I’ve been staring at a blank screen for a few minutes now…
It’s been so long since I’ve wrote in here, but I feel like I need to.
I’m going to keep it short and sweet.. and very to the point. Last year “I Stopped.”
Yes, the guy who shouted “I Ain’t EVAH Gonna Stop!” stopped… he gave up. I’m not using this as an excuse but in a 17 month time frame, I have dealt with an illness and 6 deaths all while being married for a year and being promoted at work. Call me human, but those 6 deaths took their toll on me mentally… and the mental turned in to physical.
- 3 months before my Wedding, Wife’s grandmother on her Mom’s side dies. I’m a pallbearer in the funeral and help lay her to rest with Michelle’s family.
- I get married in August 2012! Day full of family, friends, and good times! Definitely everything I wanted it to be plus more!
- On our honeymoon, I begin to feel sick… I try to return to work only to be met by colleagues and employees telling me that I looked bad and that I needed to go see a doctor. I’m then out of commission for over a week and I’m afraid. I’m hearing words like “west nile virus”, “hepatitis”, and “leukemia”… I’ve never been majorly sick in all of my life, even called “Mr. Immune System” by the wife from time to time and now I’m definitely on the shelf, in pain, and unable to do anything. I’m scared that it could be the worst. (Editor’s note: turns out it was a bad case of mono… sigh of relief)
- 3 months after our wedding, Wife’s grandmother on her Dad’s side dies suddenly after a short illness. This marks the final grandparent that the wife had/has.
- December 11, 2012: my Uncle Bo dies. This hits me hard… I kept my strength up for the wife and her family but now it’s starting to take it’s toll. My work schedule doesn’t allow me anytime to take off. I “mourn on the go” which affects me worse than I ever thought it would. I’m a pallbearer once again, laying my dear Uncle to rest with my family and friends.
- July 8, 2013: my Mamaw Marie dies. My Dad loses his mother the day before his birthday. Per her wishes, there was no funeral. She was laid to rest within a few hours of her being pronounced dead. This marks my final grandparent death that I would have to endure as now the wife and I have no living grandparents.
- September 2013: My Aunt Debra dies… my poor Uncle Nick is devastated as this was a long-term illness she fought. He mourns in private and puts on a strong face for the family because he always wanted others to be happy…. this takes an effect on his own health. A few weeks later I’m given an “opportunity” to get promoted by transferring to a new store, working nights instead of days, with the promise that after a few weeks of observation I would be told if I got the promotion.
- November 2013: After a few weeks, the person that would make the decision on my promotion no longer works for the company. Nothing was in writing. I’m starting to feel cheated.. disgruntled.. but my handwork was noticed and I receive the promotion. It’s not backdated for the two months that I did the job, but it is backdated a few weeks. I still feel cheated, but thankful that I know moving forward that my work life was changing with added responsibility and a great resume building promotion. The longer than normal hours begin taking a toll on my body and sleep cycle. Instead of working out after work like I used to, I would try to wake up early and go workout before work, but all I wanted to do was sleep. Late night snacking due to the stress of the new job doesn’t help.
- December 16, 2013: Uncle Nick dies. For the third time in less than 2 years I am asked to lay another family to rest as a Pallbearer. My mom takes this one as hard as she did Uncle Bo… two brothers one year and 5 days apart from each other and both loved Christmas… yet taken away from us right during the holidays. Work wasn’t getting any easier and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get my mind or body to want to wake up in the morning to workout.
- Mentally I can’t take it anymore… I gave up on trying to work out. I gave up on trying to eat right. I gave up on trying to improve. I was going to be ashamed that I never hit my target weight goal or physique goal… the few family members that told me I inspired them would have to do it on their own because I was embarrassed… I stopped.
There was too much death going in my life and not enough living… so I try to force myself in to a better mood by honoring my Uncle Bo and dressing up as Santa a few times in December: once for my Uncle Nick in the hospital, again for the rest of the veterans at the VA,a and twice at work for the kids… it helped some, but no matter what I did to try and make myself happy, I couldn’t shake off the funk.
But I need to… so I made an investment.. an investment in to myself and shifted the way I thought about this.
I’m not going to try to get fit for others. I’m going to try to get fit for me. I’m going to try to get fit to make me happy, because I need to feel good about myself! I’ve been through too much in the last 17 months to feel as down about myself as I do!
I invested in to research again… nutrition, supplements, training, motivation, etc.
I invested financially, and took most of the Christmas money from family and bought approx 3 months worth of supplements. I bought a book to read that talked about breaking down the mental barriers of fitness.
I invested my pride and put up a photo without my shirt on on my body space profile to hold myself accountable. I registered for the 12 week transformation contest they are holding, and I am taking my training 3 months at a time and will try to adapt as I progress.
I fear this investment. I fear what will happen if I don’t see progress, or if I fall off the wagon again. I fear that I won’t have enough time to do everything that I need to do as a worker, person, and husband… but I’m going to try. I’m going to try to turn this fear in to energy. I need to knock the rust off and get back at it.
I need to get moving again so that I can relearn how to never stop.